Day 386 Less Alcohol…. or Day 17 Alcohol Free… Let Me Count the Days

I had forgotten completely about this series I started last year as I struggled to cut down on alcohol and had promised myself 20 alcohol “chits” for the year of drinking. Rereading it was like taking a time machine back and tripping over myself passed out on the floor. January 2020 was a simpler time for sure. It seems quaint to think subtle self improvement was among my top concerns back then.

I had started off super strong but then March rolled around and it became a year when escaping into a glass of wine became almost obligatory. It was a year of many unknowns and the uncertainty was very hard on all of us. In fact women’s drinking over this past year sharply increased as we all tried to cope with our new (much smaller) world. All of a sudden the segue of our working day and time to relax came in a tumbler and not a change of environment.

I’m a stay at home mom so I’m used to being in my house most of the day. But all of a sudden everyone was in my personal space. All. The. Time. Every meal was made at home, the house was always a mess as the it was infinitely more lived in and I was exhausted from trying to make the kids feel that this was all normal. So I backed off on working on my issues with drinking and let old habits creep back in. Which, of course, they did.

Now I have never been an every day drinker, my issue is that I am a binge drinker. Particularly in social situations when I am “off” being Mommy. The tough thing about this year is all of a sudden we all had this pressing global crisis hanging over our heads and suddenly partaking in our vices seemed acceptable, if not necessary. I tried to drown 2020 in large glasses of wine. Every time we were around our friends it felt like a Gatsby-era party. I just couldn’t get enough.

But I’m done with the excuses and escapism. Nothing good came out of any of those booze soaked nights. In fact, I don’t remember most of them. I was so excited when I did get to see friends that I drank until I wasn’t really there. My birthday party, which my sweet husband spent so much time planning and trying to make normal for me, is mostly a black hole of a memory. Alcohol has not been a friend to me this year, so why do I still revere it and put it on a pedestal? Why am I still opting in?

Even last year when I reread these entries of how I would only let myself drink 20 times I year, I had the wrong mindset. I was treating drinking as a special occasion, something to be planned and looked forward to. But I grateful for that wide eyed pre pandemic me because she helped start this journey. If I hadn’t been there, I don’t know that I would be here now.

They say hindsight is 20/20. And looking back on 2020 I now see clearly that alcohol is a toxic poison that is not a treat, not a celebration, not an escape. So now I’m going to focus my energy on reversing the brainwashing I’ve been fed my whole life to believe that. I have great resources at my fingertips. I am reclaiming all the time that I used to spend doom-scrolling. I have a beautiful home and wonderful family that I want to be present for. And when I do get to see my friends, I want to remember every fucking minute of it.

So Day 17, and going strong.