My Goal to Remain Sober Curious in 2020

I’ll admit it, there are things that I do that I know are not good for me. Drink diet coke (about four a week). Scroll on my cell phone at night in bed. Wear regular deodorant that has aluminum in it. Smoke weed. But there are two things that I’ve decided to really focus on cutting back on in 2020, the two things that I think will have the biggest impact on my health and well being, are eating meat and drinking alcohol.

I am not new to exploring cutting down on these substances. For the last couple months I have focused on plant forward meals for our family after watching the Game Changers documentary. And with both my pregnancies I gave up alcohol for a year (other than the rare glass of wine sipped over a dinner). Of these two vices, I already know that one that will be more effort for me to cut out of my life — alcohol.

Earlier this year to my amazement I was able to give up alcohol for 100 days over the summer. I didn’t drink every day, it wasn’t having a negative impact on my relationships or an apparent impact on my health. But I found myself binge drinking — when I did have a night off from the responsibilities of being Mom I would go all out and drink more than I meant to. Even if I made a deal with myself to only have two drinks, once the booze was flowing it was impossible to turn down “just one more.”

Following a pretty sloppy May in 2019 and I was sick of feeling bloated and hungover. I was watching my calories and working out consistently but the scale was not budging after months of hard work. But most disturbingly, I’d had a couple instances where I ended up having way too much and not remembering the end of the night.

There is nothing worse than the panicked feeling that you get when you wake up at 3 in the morning and you don’t remember going to bed, whether your spouse is upset with you or not, where your phone is, if you guests got home okay. Nothing bad ever happened to me, I’m so blessed to say. It’s not like I had a rock bottom moment. But moderation wasn’t really a thing for me —if I had decided I was going to drink there was no “Oh, just one for me!” I always drank more than I originally intended and felt shameful about it the next day. I didn’t like how this type of behavior had been normalized in my mind and I wanted a change.

After 100 days sans alcohol, I did cut out some of my autopilot drinking habits, like having a glass of red while cooking dinner. But after my challenge was done I found myself backsliding into my old habits pretty easily. More so this last month that included my birthday, the holidays and now the end of the decade.

Our culture has been telling me my whole life that I need alcohol for every human emotion and possible social setting — to relax, to celebrate, for confidence, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, to connect with friends or have a fun night out with my partner. And I was happy to partake — I actually really like that fuzzy around the edges feeling that I get after 2 glasses of wine.

I was inspired for my sober sprint by the Sober Curious movement — people who aim to consume less alcohol without labeling themselves alcoholics or committing to lifelong 100% abstinence. I love that they don’t demand all-or-nothing solution from the participant, just a healthy questioning on what serves your life and what does not. People can feel free to explore their sober curiosity without having to suffer guilt when they do choose to imbibe. The goal is to reduce these substances, celebrate your wins and when you do slip, use those circumstances as reminders to help solidify your resolve.

So this is what I am going to try for 2020. I am giving myself 20 drinking chits for the year. I went to the dollar store and bought 20 poker chips that I am going to stack up on my desk. Every time I do make the choice to have drinks, I will put one chit into a jar.

I don’t know if it’s a good solution. I don’t know if when I do use my chits I will over indulge, knowing that it’s a rare instance and I’ve given myself a guilt-free pass. But the new year inspires me to continue the challenge and keep trying to be a better, healthier and more balanced person.

What I hope is that I will plan for these drinking nights thoughtfully, knowing that I only have one or two a month. I’ll have to actively plan activities that centre around not drinking and bring my family and friends on board. There will be uncomfortable social occasions where I want to drink but I will have to force myself to just live in the discomfort and find other ways of dealing with it than getting a buzz. And most importantly, I need to redefine my own normal, which is to think of myself as a non drinker that will imbibe when the rare occasion calls for it.

I’ll track my progress for the year and report back. Wish me luck.