My Sober Curious Journey in 2020, Day 51

I was inspired by a podcast I listen to to write morning pages, which means to just write every day with no expectation that anyone will read it or that it will be any good. Just your stream of consciousness put to paper. I love this concept and I think of this platform as the way I capture that since I don’t expect that anyone is reading this, maybe not even my future self.

This challenge has been on my mind a lot and I wanted to check in with everyone (who is not reading this). Like I mentioned, I did drink 2 days while in Mexico, so I have used 2 of my 21 chits for 2020. Have I drank since then? No. Have I thought about it? Yes. PS. Razor got a Sangria while we were in Phoenix and I had a sip, but I am not counting that. It was literally a sip.

I’m listening to Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker for the second time. I binge consumed it in January and I found it so compelling that I wanted to go through it again and try to cement some of the concepts into my brain.

The main thing that is sticking with me right now is that for some reason with alcohol, we blame the people and not the substance. Nobody says “Smoke responsibly.” Society has reached a point where we regard cigarettes as the toxic, disgusting cancer sticks that they are. People are either smokers or nonsmokers, people who dabble with it are still smokers. But we don’t vilify the people as much as we do the addictive substance. Smokers aren’t bad, cigarettes are bad.

We are sold a lie that most people should get to drink, it is only a small portion who take it too far and get addicted. Those people are alcoholics and they lose the privilege to imbibe because of their own deficiency. But actually, alcohol is a toxic, highly addictive chemical that creates problems for lots of people, not just people who officially qualify as alcoholics. We use our definition of an alcoholic as the goalpost that we measure ourselves against. We are trained that unless we are drinking all day, getting the shakes, losing our kids, or racking up DUIs that our alcohol usage is fine and normal. But 90% of people that are addicted to alcohol do not qualify as alcoholics based on the “Am I an Alcoholic” questionnaire that you find online.

You don’t have to hit rock bottom to have the realization that you are not okay. I didn’t have a rock bottom experience, but I had enough sloppy nights I didn’t remember, hangovers, extra pounds and poor choices to know that alcohol is something that doesn’t serve me. I slept with people I probably wouldn’t have, I had unprotected sex which I would normally never do, there are nights I didn’t remember getting home, there are nights I don’t remember at all. But I would still “pass” the “Am I an Alcoholic” quiz.

I have been socially conditioned that sitting around a dinner table with other adults means that we should be drinking wine. I’ve been trained that when I’m hanging out with a group of people that it’s not a party unless we are popping bottles. I’ve been told that I deserve to drink at night when the kids go to bed as a reward for putting up with them all day.

I know that “I want it but I can’t have it” is a recipe for disaster. “I can have it but I don’t want it” is the ultimate goal. Where am I on the spectrum now? I still want to drink alcohol when it’s around. But I don’t think I will spend the rest of my life that way.

I used to be a smoker and guys, I loved it. It was a huge part of who I was in my 20s. Then I quit. Sure it was hard for awhile to unwind those habits and associations. But do I sit around these days and fantasize about how amazing it would be to smoke a cigarette? Do I ever find a night lacking because cigarettes are not involved? No, I’m over it. I became a non smoker.

I want to become a non drinker. I’m on the right path.